


bend your chest open so i can reach your heart

by unitedbylarry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: But it gets better I promise, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Malec, Panic Attacks, Protective Alec Lightwood, Sad, its really sad at first, lots of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:01:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unitedbylarry/pseuds/unitedbylarry
Summary: Silence fills the room, both of them too scared to say anything that will trigger the other. They have never done something like that. The only time it happened was when Magnus told Alec what happened with his mother and stepfather, but other than that, nothing. They never talk about their feelings and even though they tell each other not to push the other away when things get bad, none of them are willing to take their own advices.orThe one where Magnus can't accept the fact that he lost his magic but Alec thinks what they have is enough to get them through anything.





	bend your chest open so i can reach your heart

**Author's Note:**

> hiii, people, i'm fern and i'm on twitter (malecinspires) if you'd like to talk or anything <3
> 
> thank you for reading this, writing is my biggest passion in life other than med school :P, and this means the world to me
> 
> xxxxxx

Magnus is alone, like he feels like he always deserves to be. Alec has just left the room for a mission after telling him how much he loves him and kissing him on the forehead. He asked Magnus if he was fine and, of course, Magnus smiled and nodded at him, telling him “I am fine, Alexander, stop worrying about me”. However, the second that the shadowhunter left the room Magnus’ lips turned into a frown. 

It’s not that he is lying to Alec, per see, be he would rather hide than let it show.

Losing his magic was the hardest thing Magnus has ever had to go through and it’s needless to say that he feels completely useless without it. So, no, he isn’t lying to Alec, he’s lying to himself. He tells Alec he is fine because he thinks that maybe if he says it enough times he will start believing in his own words. Deep inside, he knows he won’t.

Slowly, he shifts positions so he’s sitting on the bed. Magnus runs his fingertips through his hair as he recalls that, if he still had his magic, now he would be helping someone with it. He gulps, licking his lips. There is a lump inside his throat and he feels like he could cry from how much it burns. Magnus feels like he may never be able to make this feeling go away. 

He remembers when he first made real contact with Alec. It happened when he was trying to help Luke but was feeling weak for using most of his powers. He remembers how Alec didn’t even hesitate before holding his hand and saying “take everything you need”. He remembers how useful he felt back then, people always coming to him for help. The High Warlock of Brooklyn. Magnus bites his bottom lip hard, hands moving to grip the bedsheets strongly, the sudden need to let out a loud scream. He was someone important back then and now he is just Magnus, another mundane.

His thoughts float to when he was asleep in the hospital bed. He could hear most of the conversations going inside the room and he couldn’t help but hear Alec saying it was his fault he was sick. He can still hear him saying that he was so happy because they would get to grow old together that he didn’t see realise how much Magnus was suffering. Sometimes he feels like he should feel bad for feeling sad over the fact that his magic is gone and instead be thankful that Alec is standing strong by his side. His rock. 

But the problem is Magnus can’t help it.

Magnus fists tighten around the bedsheets as he feels his head spinning. Sometimes he feels like magic really is worth dying for. After all, magic has been the only thing that kept him going through the years before Alec showed up. Is not that he doesn’t love Alec more than he loves his magic, but his magic has always been there for him and living without it was never something he thought of. It was never something he thought he’d ever have to think of.

And don’t get him wrong, he hates feeling this way, wishes that he didn’t need magic and that he felt like he is enough. But he can’t. And, honestly, there’s no way he’s ever going to be able to explain that to Alec without him thinking that Magnus loves his magic more than him. That’s what makes him not able to just sit and talk, tell him everything he’s feeling. He doesn’t want to hurt Alec. He doesn’t think he could go through losing the other thing he loves the most in life.

Letting go of the bedsheets, Magnus’ hands move to his face, covering it. It’s only then he realises he is crying. Magnus sobs, his throat burning from how much he wants to scream. “I’m sorry,” is all he is able to think and say repeatedly to himself. He doesn’t know who he is apologising to, but he knows one thing: he is not apologising to himself. Honestly, Magnus thinks he deserves all the pain he is going through. In fact, he hates himself, he just doesn’t have the guts to say it out loud.

During his sobs, Magnus hears his phone vibrating on the bedside table. He forcefully wipes his tears (or most of them, because they keep falling uncontrollably) with his fist and reaches for it. It reads “Alexander”, but he can’t bring himself to pick it up. If Alec hears anything odd in Magnus’ voice it’s certain he will stop whatever he is doing to come get him. And, as always, Magnus doesn’t want to be a bother.

He shakes his head as he hits the bed. “Why are you so stupid, Magnus Bane?” he whispers to himself. 

Magnus wants to punch the wall, he wants to break something even if that something is his hand. He wants to feel something other than all the pain he is feeling. He wants Alec to fuck him senseless until he forgets his own name. Until his mind goes blank. 

He just wants to feel something.

Gripping his hair, Magnus notices his breathing starting to get heavier and heavier and suddenly he feels like he can’t breathe at all. He wants to speak but his throat is closed, and he still can’t bring himself to pick up his phone and answer what seems to be Alec’s fourth call. He’s crying harder and harder and his whole body is shaking and it takes some minutes before he finally finds enough forces to pick up the phone. 

With his hands trembling, he accepts the call. “Magnus,” Alec says on the other side of the line, “Magnus what took you so long, I was worried,” he sounds breathless. “Alec,” Magnus manages to let out, “I can’t breathe”. 

“Magnus, hang on,” he says, “I’ll be there in a second, I’m still at the Institute”. Magnus can hear some voices in the background but he can’t focus on anything other than how much his head is spinning and how nauseous he feels. “Magnus, stay with me, please try to breathe,” Alec continues, his voice sounding hurried and worried. “Please,” he says again, his voice breaking a bit.

About a minute later, the door opens and slams on the wall. Alec takes no time running to the bed and wrapping his arms around Magnus as he whispers sweet little words in his ear to try and keep him calm. “I’m here now,” he says. He can hear Magnus’ muffled sobs, his face pressed into Alec’s chest. He cries harder and harder and the shadowhunter feels desperate because he has no idea what to do, so he only holds him tighter. “Magnus, breathe,” he tries again, “please, you have to try calm down”.

“I- I can’t,” Magnus manages to let out between sobs. His hands move to grip Alec’s t-shirt. “I can’t breathe, Alec,” he cries, “I feel like my chest in going to explode”.

“Magnus, you need to calm down,” Alec insists, pulling away from Magnus and holding him by the shoulders. “You need to breathe,” he says, “breathe, Magnus”. The shorter man looks up into the taller’s eyes and Alec feels his heart breaking. His eyes look puffy and red like he’s been crying for days. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn’t slept for days and, for a second, Alec feels so stupid for not noticing it before it came to this. “Magnus,” he says looking at him, “I’m here, you can calm down. I’m not leaving”.

Magnus continues sobbing as Alec tries to practically remind him of how to breathe. Staring at him, Alec takes a deep breath in followed by a deep breath out, signalling him to follow his steps. “Calm down,” he says again, still breathing slowly. It takes him some minutes to stop panicking and finally breathe normally and they both stay quiet for a moment. Alec slowly reaches for Magnus’ face and caresses his cheek with his thumb, wiping some of the tears away. 

Alec’s heart is broken, but he doesn’t think it’s as shattered as Magnus’. He keeps looking at him, who is now looking down at his own hands, which have angry red semilunar marks on the palms from how hard he pressed his nails onto the skin. He licks his lips, which are salty from the tears, and, still looking down, he says “Alexander, I’m sorry.”

Alec’s eyes are still wide open and his lips are pressed into a flat line. He doesn’t even know what to say, what to do, how to deal with this. “Magnus, why are you sorry?” he asks after taking a deep breath, “what happened? What got you like this?”

Shaking his head, Magnus slowly looks up, but still not meeting his boyfriend’s eyes. “I lost my magic,” he whispers, “I don’t have my magic anymore, again”.

Alec looks down. Most of the time he feels like all of this is his fault. If he hadn’t met Magnus he would still have his magic, he would still be okay and none of this would be happening. For a second, he wishes he could change his past, Magnus’ past. “Magnus, I’m sorry,” he whispers, voice already beginning to break because he has no idea where this is going. They never talk about it, after all. All he knows is that it kills him inside to know his boyfriend isn’t happy, to see that right in front of him and have no idea what to do. “I wish I could change that,” he continues, “I wish I had the power to bring your magic back in a safe way”.

“I know,” Magnus lets out, “I know that and I wish that too. I was so desperate about it that I risked my life for it”. He continues avoiding Alec’ gaze because it all just hurts too much. He questions himself if he should open himself up, let it all out in the open. He knows the shadowhunter deserves to know but he can’t picture a reaction and that is what scares him the most. Not being able to know what Alec will do or say. “Alec, I need to tell you something,” he says quietly as soon as he finds a single will in his body to do so. So there's no turning back now. Immediately, Alec looks up again, in hope to meet with Magnus’ eyes. “You can tell me anything, Magnus, anything. I’m here for you. I want to help you,” he says in a hurry, worried that his boyfriend might turn back on his decision.

Silence fills the room, both of them too scared to say anything that will trigger the other. They have never done something like that. The only time it happened was when Magnus told Alec what happened with his mother and stepfather, but other than that, nothing. They never talk about their feelings and even though they tell each other not to push the other away when things get bad, none of them are willing to take their own advices.

Magnus tries not to think too much because if he does, he may not be able to say anything. And so, he just let his heart speak for itself for the second time in his life. “I think magic is worth dying for,” is all he says and for someone else, that might not mean much, but, for Alec, it means he doesn’t care if he dies. He doesn’t want to live if there’s no magic involved.

Alec tries to breathe slowly, his hands trembling and his eyes burning as they fill with tears. He feels like he could cry any moment now, but he doesn’t want Magnus to worry. Right now, this is about him, not Alec. He thinks of a thousand things he could say, but the only thing that comes out is “I’m so sorry”. And, God, does he feel stupid. Magnus practically just told him that he wants to die and that’s all he says to him. He bites his bottom lip so hard he can feel the metallic taste of blood on his tongue and thinks to himself “be his rock, he needs you”.

And he hugs him. Alec pulls him into his embrace and hugs him tight. There aren’t any words that can explain what he’s feeling now, so he thinks a gesture can describe it better. “Alec, I’m sorry,” Magnus whispers, his voice broken, “I’m so sorry magic is so important to me,” he pauses for a second, “I’ve had it my whole life, I feel useless without it. I don’t want to be without it”.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you, Magnus,” Alec says as he pulls away from the hug. He isn’t able to hold back the tears anymore and they fall rapidly on his face. “I want to help you, but I can’t do what you want me to. I’m sorry, Magnus, but there’s nothing we can do if there isn’t a safe way,” he tells him. He sounds sorry and broken and Magnus just wants to tell him it’s not his fault, but chooses no to interrupt him. “I have loved you since day one. And I know, I swear to you, I know that when I say I can’t lose you it seems like I’m being selfish. And- you know what, maybe I am,” he shrugs. “But I can’t lose you just as much as you can't give up”. Alec shakes his head, “nothing is worth dying for, Magnus. Absolutely nothing”.

“No,” Magnus whispers, “you are, Alexander. I would die for you a thousand times if I had to”.

Alec can’t help but let a small form into the corner of his lips. He loves him so damn much. “Not even me, Magnus. I want you alive for as long as you’re meant to,” he insists, “you have to be your priority, Magnus”. His reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers. “Magic is not your priority, you don’t need it to live. Hell, you don’t me to live,” he shakes his head. “You only need yourself. You need your own strength and will to live,” he pauses for a second. “If I die, you’ll still live. You may be sad, but you’ll live”.

“But I’ll be dead inside,” Magnus tells him. “Like I am, Alec,” he insists. “I can’t see a tomorrow and I don’t if I can do it anymore”.

Alec ignores the way his heart shatters even more inside his chest and tries his best to stay strong for him. “Let me help you with that. Let me show you that the best things in life depend only on two people being in love and being there for each other. Let me show that this here,” he points to them both, “this that we have is enough to get you through anything,” when Magnus is about to speak up he continues, “and I know it’s hard, Magnus. I’m not saying I know how you feel, but I’m saying I know it’s not easy and I promise you that will give you my everything- anything it takes for you to smile again. But, this time, like you meant it”.

For a moment, Magnus feels like he never knew how much Alec really loved him after all. But after this, after listening to every single word and knowing that he means every word he said, he can see how strong what they have really is. And he knows, things may never ever turn out to be completely okay again and he may never feel complete ever again, but he knows that through the happiness and the pain, Alec will be there as his rock. And maybe that is enough for now.


End file.
